Codependence

by Alison Rodgers

Can you be filled with love and light when you feel as though there is a past memory standing between you and “moving forward?” Are you struggling with inner peace over a breakup or change in relationship status? It’s tough when your world is changed by the departure of a friend or loved one. Still, it happens every day. At times, the person who leaves still lingers and keeps the wounded person in limbo for far to long. It’s called “stringing someone along.” Other times there is a former mate that pops in long enough to ensure that you’ll never get over them. Either way, it’s just painful to endure, painful to watch and plain unhealthy from a mental standpoint.

How do you tell a person to let you go? It shouldn’t be so hard when friends, lovers or even former spouses part ways, where there is no reconciliation in the future or reason to hold on to the past. Still here in the land of cyber-stalkers, it is pretty obvious that a girl or guy can feel controlled by someone whom she once considered a confidant and friend. If you’re looking for suggestions for how to heal more quickly after any form of break, take this from someone who has walked this road:

Cut all forms of communication. Say good bye and don’t look back. I promise you that once you are through the withdrawal phase of a relationship, you’re going to feel more free. Any time I have violated my no contact policy, I have felt nothing but regret and rejection. How long will you choose to let him/her control you? Take your power back.
Consider going technology black for a while. A former friend still haunts my writing space even though I’ve banned him from every part of my life. Forward all email from their address to the trash. Block Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Google and every other portal…and leave it that way. Do not react, do not focus, and remember – where you mind goes, your energy flows. Invest in yourself, get healthy and move away from people who are damaging to your self esteem. There are tons of men and women out there looking for quality friendships, relationships and even spouses – you do not need someone who is going to specialize in demeaning you.
For all of you with “married crushes” – remember: what they will do with you, they will do to you…lying, cheating, deserting…all of it. Includes women and men, folks. Is that what you want – someone who already dishonors the spouse that they “promised” to love?
Stop day dreaming about the past and remembering in “wish-vision.” Once the time of possibility has passed, it is gone. You move on with life, let go and wish the other person peace and grace.

If you are being haunted by the one that doesn’t want you, but won’t let you go I can empathize. Confront it head on. I don’t care if she (or he) says “I love you” but still throws you under the bus at every opportunity. Here is a really good posting that you’re welcome to copy to your blog, send in an email or even write in lipstick on their front door. Goes something like this:

“Go away. I do not want you in any part of my life. You hurt me (or you’re toxic, you’re unstable). I do not love you. I have/want someone that values me for who and what I am – and who doesn’t leave me wounded and alone without any warning, without the grace of a simple explanation….not like the unwanted, forgotten, worthless thing you make of me. I don’t want you in my life, in my blog, in my world, electronic or not. Simply live the life that you’ve chosen and go away.”

“You have no right to my soul, my love, my voice, my pain, my thoughts, any memories you have let linger…none of this is for you. It’s all about others, me, my life…and I don’t want you in it. Your life deserves your attention, and I want none of it as well. I don’t look for you, don’t think about you, don’t ask about you. I don’t want you. You are out of my soul. Leave me in peace. I am over the endless drama of being part of your fear filled, duplicitous world. Stop stalking me.”

When you finally reach the space in the road where you must fork left for the future, or remain on the “right” where the past controls you, remember the saying of Tony Robbins…I use my memories for motivation, but I do not let them use me. Be all that you were created to be, which is not the doormat of someones mania.

After you have experienced a toxic relationship, take time to heal and really invest in yourself and your faith. Don’t plunge into one of those relationships where you gush on Facebook how wonderful and perfect the person is – it’s code for “I am really screwed up,” even thought you’re writing the oh-so-teenage “I’m in love with the bestest, most beautiful person in the world.” A broken heart takes time to heal, no matter your life situation…even if you’re the reason that it’s broken.

Finally, remember that real love doesn’t use others to fill their needs, to validate their lives or even to provide security. It doesn’t cheat the other person out of living a full and meaningful life while you swim in the “lets make me better” pool. Real love meets together to form these things in equal parts of feminine and masculine energy, sans the drama and the pain. Passion is not pain, but an enduring desire to love deeply that individual who knows all that there is to know about you ~ and still believes that the sun and moon set in your eyes. Remember that another person hunting you down on the net or driving past your house doesn’t make you the bad person. Don’t take on their guilt…and no, it’s not love. It’s obsession, and that is not healthy for either of you.

That is it for the first steps of taking your power back – a tough word for a tough situation. Yes, your skin will crawl when you break ties…but not as badly as it does in the lonely hours when you realize that he/she has devalued you once again. I wish you love, light and peace.

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